I may have figured out a new career...

Identity thief.

I'm learning that basically there are no consequences to taking a person's identity and stealing them blind.

When the contractors - UNFINISHED SPACES - robbed us I said this and it applies now, if a man ran by me and ripped my purse off my shoulder with 20k in it, there'd be a man-hunt. Because it's done by phone, mail, and Internet no one gives a crap! There can't be many street criminals anymore (been pick-pocketed lately?)... why bother? I know this... why don't the police!? Where are the task forces devoted to the most rapidly growing insidious crime there is? (The FBI will help you - you just have to make it to the 100k club first!)

If anyone is encouraging me to a life of crime, it's Wachovia (who sent two cards from two separate accounts we have with them in one month to two separate addresses without noticing FRAUD) and the Atlanta Police who aren't remotely hiding the fact that they just want us to go away. My guess is they'll spend more time trying to prove it isn't their jurisdiction than they will to finding the person who used our credit card to take out 20k from Atlanta ATMs. Oh, scratch that... that's crazy talk... they're too lazy to do anything on our behalf.

So someone has our social security numbers, mothers' maiden names, high school mascot (seriously - they used this to get a password!), and who knows what else. I can't wait to see where we'll show up next... Atlanta... Seattle... maybe we'll make it abroad this summer. Gulp.

In the dark

The power was out in our neighborhood for a couple of hours yesterday. I caught up on some reading and found myself (finally) invested in my book (The Falls by Joyce Carol Oates) and a little caught up on sleep for a change. After straining to read by candlelight (how did our forefathers and mothers do it!?), I decided to just go to sleep. F was having trouble falling asleep and wouldn't a) go to his room b/c he was freaked out and b) STOP TALKING. So, he came to bed with me under the condition that he wouldn't say another word. In between deep sighs and LOUD gnaws on his rice cake, he finally did fall asleep. I'll spare you the pontifications on how we take electricity for granted b/c instead what I wonder now is why I don't turn everything off sooner and go the heck to bed if it makes me feel so well-rested.

Five top five

Five book recommendations

1. I am one of you forever - Fred Chappell
2. One Night - Alice McDermott
3. Letting Go* - Philip Roth
4. Endless Love - Scott Spencer (yeah... I know you're conjuring Lionel Richie. But, seriously. This book is a read and read again kind of book.)
5. Ivy Louise Eat Your Peas! (Just read it.)

Five movie recommendations

1. Dangerous Liaisons (of course)
2. The Color Purple
3. Donnie Brasco**
4. Casino**
5. Goodfellas**

Five things on my mind

1. In the name of all that is holy, how will I get through this day without collapse?
2. Did I really invite 60 people to a BBQ at my house? What the?
3. The zit on my chin looks to be pregnant.
4. I'm tired (see #1).
5. Really? School is out in 15 days?

Five things I dislike about people

1. When they talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.
2. When they don't put their money where their mouth is... How many of the parents who sued the school board over mandatory year-round and got what they wanted are now NOT attending the traditional schools made available to them!? I could seriously cut them.
3. When everything is about them. HellOOOO?
4. Crooked people... or those not straight-forward.
5. People who are not just reliving their youth, but the worst parts of it. Gag.

Five things I'm happy about

1. The end of my "career."
2. How cute F looked today and his shiny clean hair.
3. Fruity Pebbles for breakfast and lunch out this afternoon!
4. Nordstrom's... in less than 2 hours.
5. My ingrown toe nail surgery is finally healing.

* If you haven't already read it, well then... Shame on YOU.
**WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY is the Sopranos ending?

I don't know why...

I can't ever seem to do anything with this camera that isn't a) blurry b) left-of-center (which was kind of cute for awhile, but is now annoying) or c) too bright or too dull. In any case - here's my babbling baby --- this is her new thing... babble, babble, babble. It goes without saying then that there is now not a moment of silence to be had in our house!
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Miscellaneous.

• I have to give my notice this week so I can give them a respectable month's time to realize they don't even need to replace me (ha - sigh). I don't know why I'm hesitating. Well, I sort of do know why... but I need to get over it. Commit. Along those lines, I found out I'm a week of vacation in the hole so I will be effectively working for nothing the last month of work. I considered working an additional month to make up for that, but really - when would it end?
• A certain "someone" slept last night from 7:30 - midnight. Then midnight until 7:45. She didn't even have on her lucky pajamas. I won't name the "someone" or even celebrate it too much. I have been bitten BIG TIME in the past for this. So, no comments or editorial except to say I hope "she" feels well-rested today.
• I have ingrown toenails on my big toes so bad that I'm actually going to go to a podiatrist after weeks of putting "Call the podiatrist" on my to-do list and then not doing it. When I set something into actual action, you know I'm serious. I'm walking around absolutely petrified that someone is going to accidentally step on my toe, wincing when I put on just flip flops (navigating the toe strap is an art), and even feeling pain when I get into bed and put my feet in the sheets. We have a friend who is a podiatrist and I couldn't decide if I'd go to him or if it would be better to go to a stranger. I opted for his practice - different doctor. I think if I can get rid of this whole headache I'll feel like a new woman.
• My mom-in-law has a new saying, "She thinks she poops Chanel!" and it just ___ well, it just does something to me and I can't discern if it causes pleasure or pain. I try to GET her to say it now in the same way BP tries to drag Julia Louis Dreyfus into conversations with my Mom because he knows it fires her up.
• My roots are so disgustingly bad and I have a weird orange tint permeating through my hair. When I reflect on my life I know I'll say the thing that gave me the most hassle throughout was my g.d. hair. Superficial? Nah. I'm just being honest.
• I love people with ADHD - specific people. Counselors we go to in an effort to treat a child with ADHD who have ADHD themselves might seem like a good resource (you know, been there/done that), but... Argh. By the time our (late) counselor arrived, finished cleaning her office's bathroom, pinned her hair back and explained how much she hated long hair, how long she had to grow it for locks of love, discussed F's crocs and the sale they're having on them at some sporting good place, messed around with her printer, obviously cleared out the phlegm from yesterday's ciggies, and sat down with a pile of haphazard paperwork she never could seem to find an end to, I was beside myself. I wanted to help HER out and give her the, "Just one thing at a time... Okay, now focus..." speech I give F just about every other minute.
• Where are the women in my neighborhood (excepting my sister) who would bring their baby monitor over in the evening, sit on the porch with me, drink some wine and talk about *anything* but babies/children/PTA/conspiratorial neighbor theories/their yard? I need someone I can call to say, "I'll swap with you today. You go get your pedicure; I'll take the kids. When you get back I'm going to buy a skirt that I absolutely can not afford." I keep trying to find even that one woman I can relate to and before I know it I'm standing on the sidewalk listening to a rant about the school's Principal or positively offensive diatribes about how their baby "won't even wake up to eat." GAG.
• F saw me flipping BP the bird over the weekend. My one discretion (really! I've been very sneaky) and he won't let me live it down. I told him to turn the page and he pretended to be turning a page, and said, "Mommy putting her middle finger up at Daddy... Flip... Mommy putting her middle finger up at Daddy... Hey! It's on this page, too!" What a dopey boy I have. I also heard him whispering to his Nanna that I'd flipped off BP as though he were scarred... he's hilarious.
• These message boards for December babies are going to cause me to have an aneurism. I've read so much crap my eyes hurt! EXHIBIT A! If I respond once it will open Pandora's box and I'll do what I did on the Scott Peterson forum of CourtTV (and I'm not proud of this - months and months I can't account for) which is to have people sending me emails telling me I'm nothing but a heartless bitch. But can I just say this? Your baby shouldn't be on their belly in the crib, your relatives owe you nothing, your husband wouldn't last a flipping minute in my house, certain baby names aren't just "hard to pronounce" - they're stupid and it's honestly not a reflection on someone else when they struggle over "Quebecca" but more a reflection on YOU, leave Jesus out of it, stop saying you're not racist when you SO ARE, and for the love of all that is holy your pediatrician is just agreeing with you so you will LEAVE!
• I'm using a mix of Tri-Luma and Kinerase and my skin has never looked better. Now if I can just do something about the hair that grows on my chest, chin, and so far out on my thighs my box is a gigantic rectangle.