Ah what a week in television.

I watch too much TV. No, seriously - too much TV. What else am I supposed to do? Last night both chil'ren were in bed asleep by 7:45 & BP is out of town. (Like how I inserted that as though if he were home he wouldn't smack dab on alternate couch hogging the remote.) Enough with the excuses - you don't like when adults haven't fostered more respectable hobbies, to hell with you.

So anyways...

Sopranos! Welcome back. Yes, I was initially angry with you for leaving for so long but then I figured you were weaning me and that's good. Let's start with a request... nay, a plea. For the love of all that is holy, please STOP showing Tony & Carm in bed together in any way, shape or form. I've already admitted my weird sloppy old-man crush on Tony Soprano but I didn't mean to imply I EVER want to see him "ahem" engaged. And the thought of Carm going down on him for his birthday. Well, it's just too much.

Okay... now... Where was Christo'fuh? Even in his 2-second appearance (Happy Birthday! -- click --), he got a laugh. Blam... the season was off to a great start. If you don't think Tony is at heart cruel, think again. Instead of just ax-ing Bobby on the way to meet the (who were those people?) French Canadians in the bar (??), he is going to take Bobby on a long torturous ride of another kind. Fact is, after the brawl which Bobby instigated you can't help thinking if he's THAT stupid he deserves whatever Tony's got to give. Bobby knows he's so fucked. When he picked up his kid Nica (is it just me or does this child's name change?) by the water - the shot was magical. He might as well wear a toe tag.

I started to read the reviews and then thought - screw it. I do wish Imus hadn't gone on that racial tear (??) - I always like hearing his recaps & such.

Bobby, playing Monopoly with the family:
"You Sopranos! You always take it too far."

and Janice...

"Fuck the Parker Brothers."

America's Next Top Model. I'm guessing this is how a crack addiction feels... you really truly love crack. Crack makes you happy and does this delicious crawl through your veins that just feels right... But your friends and neighbors would be appalled to know you loved it & even your alcoholic boss would get all "I can't believe you do crack" on you. Oh, that show... Last night was a real coo for me. As I said, kids were in bed before 8. Just me on the couch with some cherry turnovers (!!!) and rain going on in the background. Dionne brings the F-bombs, Brittany brings the horrendous hair, Tyra brings the weird headband and 1/2 shirt posing as a dress (??) and Jael brings her Kurt Cobain/Courtney Love fused accent and "free-spirit" disposition. (Side note - don't you just love it when someone prats on and on and on and on about being a "free spirit?" Gag.) It's redundant to ask this, but can't you just hear Jael sing, "Why are there so many songs about rainbows?" Natasha seriously might win this thing by virtue of just simply not knowing what the fuck is going on... ("They decided I didn't miss my baby as much as they did." Sigh!) I'm gonna go with Brittany winning this thing & that isn't because I think she should (remotely) and it isn't because her hair is at all better looking now that the weave has been cut out (god, it SO isn't)... nor is it because she looks like a Phyllis who drinks 40s and lives in a pink ranch house with pelicans on the garage door perpetually smoking her Newport. Mainly it's because if they pick Dionne she's too much like Dannielle. Renee too much like Joannie. Jaslene too much like... hmm... have their been any former drag queens on it before? Jael - too much like a jacked up Scarlett Johannson.

Oh boy - I went on a tear with that one... That's what a 4 am wake up will do and three cups of coffee... Gotta take this time where you can get it.

So - in closing... The Tudors. Do I like the show or do I just feel I should like the show? When the camera pans to Anne Boleyn - I felt the foreboding interest I've always had in the story but I'm not sure I can take much more of Jonathan Reese Witherspoon or whats-his-name's silly pursed lips face. Seriously when he challenges King of France (who looks suspiciously like a New England fraternity boy even in cloaks and huge gold baubles) to the wrestling match I don't see how they could've let that scene pass through the editing room. I'm picturing a bunch of people gathered around the editing tables going, "I give up. There is no footage with him not making trout face. Anyone have any pictures of Henry? Maybe he's supposed to look like he's just come from an uptown surgeon on his lunch break." He's just too FIERCE looking. I'm Henry viii and I'm FIERCE. Look at me... I'm FIERCE. See how I walk? FIERCE! Hear me talk? FIERCE! Even when I'm just a filler in a scene? FIERCE! Just sitting alone wondering about peace treaties... FIERCE! Hey... we get it. He's FIERCE. He could take a lesson from Tony Soprano... Tone makes you forget he's fierce & that's the draw. He's not all overwrought Dixie Carter in Designing Women (and come to think of it everything else she's been in) - so'thern, so'thern, so'thern... As Gah-wad as mah' witniss I'm sah so'thern.

Kids are good. Baby i learned to stick her tongue out in response to you sticking your tongue out and it's quite adorable and fascinating. She just sort of splays it out of her mouth and hangs it there unsure how far or for how long she has to hold it. In usual F fashion he was very sweet and complimentary, "She has a cute little tongue... she's so smart to learn this..." (Oh he's beyond cheesy cute.) F got his report card yesterday and it was his best one of 2nd grade. He didn't understand why he didn't get a "4" in Science & Health since he has perfect attendance... I said, "I think this means health class, F, not your physical health." Life is fun with an airhead child... he's a trip. And ever-obsessed with perfect attendance, he told me Charlie from his class last year got perfect attendance. He called him "Bad Charlie" and I didn't remember Charlie being even slightly "bad" but F assured me he was. I couldn't resist, I said, "Maybe since Charlie was so bad his parents wouldn't let him stay home with them even when he was sick." F's eyes kind of widened but then he got in on the joke. I think I did make him wonder if perfect attendance is such a great thing after all.

I joined the ranks of Moms feeding her children too soon...

But boy is she cute. She doesn't really care about the eating, per se, but she loves being level with us at the table and can't get enough of the silly choo-choo train noises that accompany the feeding. It doesn't appear to remotely make her less hungry... so when they say it's empty calories, they really mean EMPTY! Of course, one doesn't come a pudgy ballerina without the intake:

This picture just makes me smile. I love the little belly over the tu-tu. It flies in the face of the primadonna! This outfit was a gift from Nana and we needed photos in it before she outgrew it.

I've got to snap out of my mood as of late. I hate being so out of control. I hate not having a definitive answer from within... should I work? Shouldn't I? Is everything okay for everyone during any given day and if not - what can I do to make it so? Is it my responsibility to make it so? How can I release this? Anti-anxiety meds? Could I be a stay-at-home Mom... but what then? If I leave the workplace, could I return? What am I compromising for a job that brings NO JOY? What's going on beneath the beautiful blonde head of my boy? When he looks sad, is he? Do I worry too much?

Of course I do. Of course I worry too much... To add to my neuroticism I shall now go and worry too much about worrying too much. To all the parents who make it seem effortless I raise and wave my cushy & unmanicured middle finger.

I wish that I could...

• complain without feeling ungrateful. Sometimes you just want to have a good old-fashioned rotten fit. Why follow that up with guilt?
• quit complaining. (As you can see I'm in a quandary!)
• just relax! RELAX. RELAX. RELAX.
• enjoy my children instead of moving from task-to-task and feeling like a day laborer. I think the last time someone stopped by my house unannounced it was my mother. She wouldn't notice if I was on fire, let alone if I had dust bunnies in the corners of my rooms. And what is it I'm trying so hard to clean away? -- Hmm... I'm not ready for that trip to the psychiatrist couch.
• stop being so mean to BP. Isn't he eventually going to throw up his hands and say, "That's it. I'm finding someone nice." I shouldn't see if he has a breaking point.
• quit worrying that there's more to what someone says to me than what's on the surface. Not everyone has an agenda. Do they? Do I?
• get dressed in the morning and instead of thinking, "Why is this so bulgy or that so crinkly?" and just think, "Okay." I'm not expecting miracles... I'll never be entirely pleased. But things could be worse!
• quit seeing the negative. Yes - she did this; he did that; I'm tired; it's not fair; I always have to ____. But who gives a rip, really? I'm here & I'm healthy.
• let myself feel the change in my life since baby i. Yes, she is a blessing. But it's okay at 3 in the morning to think, "GO BACK TO SLEEP before I claw my own eyes out." (Isn't it?) I don't have to well up with tears and feel like a schmuck for just. wanting. some. rest.
• let go. There are people in my life who have been trying to exit gracefully (or at least their version of gracefully). Being tenacious for the right reasons is a good thing. Being tenacious for the wrong reasons is sadistic.
• stop making F. wait. Baby i. can cry. And she does anyway. So, pay some attention to my tow-head. I saw sadness in his eyes the last time I snapped at him. Perhaps I should cut that out, too.
• take help when it's offered. Ask for it when it's not.
• stop using my free time trying to achieve the insurmountable - don't barter away my moments for nothing.
• remember how to read... take in words because I love them... they lift me up. The shape of them on the page, their music...
• forgive... sans apologies. Surely someone has done the same for me or I wouldn't have what I do and be loved the way I'm loved. If I'm always the victim, then I'm pretty helpless at best.
• lighten the EF up. (See all of the above)

Lucky Girl

I was holding baby I as she was falling asleep for her nap this morning and what kept running through my mind as I was looking at her is, "She's so lucky..." She gets to do anything... everything... it all lies ahead of her. I realized my outlook on life has evolved (and that - sadly - I'm old). I envy her for having so much in front of her... even the stuff I thought I wouldn't wish on anyone (heart ache, etc). Lucky girl. I hope it's an amazing journey for her. Girls seem so complicated. I want to do it right for her so that while on the journey she has just what she needs.

Mima Supreme

The in-laws and Mima (BP's Grandmother) stopped for an overnight on the way to visit Susie and they brought along this jewel of a story... Apparently for the past couple of months, Mima has been trying to win Publisher's Clearing House. The story began with how she didn't really take it seriously but she figured her kids could really use 10 million dollars. Even though they told her she didn't have to buy anything to win, she felt it bettered her chances to buy something. She spent $70-some on various items from their catalog (one of which was a Kaleidoscope for F). She talked about how if she won she planned to give her grandkids a million each and $500k to the temple (to which we all balked that temple didn't deserve 50% of what she felt her grandkids were worth but she explained she really wants the temple to have central air conditioning throughout). Anyway, the letters from Publisher's Clearing House really picked up the pace even telling her where they were going to order flowers from locally and what hotel they'd stay in the night before - the local references upped the ante and she got very excited). Well, they gave her a script of what they'd prefer her to say when they came to the door, "I just won Publisher's Clearing House! It really can happen! Dreams do come true!" Now... Mima explained she normally gets her hair done on Wednesday, but Publisher's Clearing House would be coming on Wednesday and she thinks her hair looks better the 2nd day after having it done. So, the week she was supposed to win she went a couple days early for her hair and because she was worried she'd forget her lines, she taped the script from Publisher's Clearing House by the front door. Well, sadly she didn't win (or there'd be one happy Rabbi in upstate New York) but she's taking it in stride. Instead of a lesson in how that demographic gets exploited by these kinds of hoaxes, I'll take it as a lesson in hopefulness.

Whoa... Keds.

Seriously when did Keds get so cute?

The only problem I see is that people are going to resist buying thinking, "Can I really pay $40+ for KEDS?" If I were their PR people I'd face that kind of image buster HEAD ON. And simply using Mischa Barton in your commercials is not enough.

It feels do-able

Yesterday was one of those "do-able" days. I found myself thinking, "I can do this." Why is that noteworthy? Because more often than not I find myself thinking, "What was I thinking? I can't do this." This being work, 2 children, traveling husband, recent influx of company, "budget constraints" and crazy boss. Yesterday was a point for the home team. Some highlights of the day were:

• picking Baby I. up to be told, "This was one of her best days yet!" Bonus: Missing a bowel movement during said best day yet. (BMs are a bit - heartbreaking - for my little puss bless her heart! We're talking two-hour angst-filled production.)
• I read... actual CHAPTERS of a book.
• I cruised a couple of online stores and put things in a basket/cart and didn't buy. Virtual window shopping. Now THERE is a thought. (Confession: there was that one Octopus outfit that I couldn't say no to... but I had a coupon about to expire so technically I HAD to.)
• I had the perfect opportunity to be insubordinate to my boss and I surprised us both by acting submissive and agreeable. (More bonus points because now my boss is going to have to devote some time this week to new ways to undermine and rattle me! Mwahhhh-ahhh-ahhhh!)
• I did the 4 o'clock feeding last night! Now if only I could stop talking to BP before and after those feedings I'd REALLY be useful.
• I had a clean house, a clean dog, clean kids, and a moderately clean husband.
• I got a baby announcement in the mail yesterday and within five hours I went online and ordered a baby gift. (This was not during the virtual window shopping so it does not count.) Check! No perpetual "Get Baby Gift" at the top of this girl's to-do list! Not only that, but the gift was super cute.

It's a good thing I started today with a slight reserve of optimism since I've been up since 3:45, had three cups of coffee, and feel a bit wilted already.