10 years = a bad ass kitchen appliance.

I'm glad I'm married to someone who doesn't think it's weird I ordered my OWN anniversary present, sent him the email receipt with a note of thanks, and doesn't bat an eye that it's a kitchen appliance. Not only doesn't he think it's weird, I think he's really grateful (hence, sort of a present for the both of us... See how that works?). And I scored a bargain (although to him, I'm sure, it was outrageous). Anyway, say hello to...

We'll call it "The-only-thing-standing-between-me-and-the-Barefoot-Contessa." If she ends up working out for me, we'll call her 'Tessa for short. If not, that bitch is going right back to Amazon.

I'm trying to stop speaking in analogies/metaphors/I need to brush up on my English. Man it's really getting out of control. I can't have the most basic exchange without one popping up. Example: (See - I'm sort of doing it again)...

Someone: Hi.
Me: Oh, hi.
Someone: Did you see that bird?
Me: I did see that bird. The way it swooped by me I thought I was about to be flattened by a big truck.
Someone: ((blank stare))
Me: What? Didn't you think it was loud? Why are you looking at me with your eyes so vacant like an apartment left empty in the middle of the night?

But I'm not as bad as my friend G. I'm considering an intervention. She has this awful habit of saying, "You know what I mean?" and I mean she USES IT A LOT. (Yes, of course I'm going to give an example!!! Heck, I'll even use the scenario from above!)

G: Hi.
Me: Oh, hi.
G: That was a bird. Do you know what I mean?
Me: I know! I saw it. It came out of nowhere like the time that fraudulent credit card bill arrived in my mailbox.
G: That was totally weird when that happened to you. You know what I mean?
Me: Er... yes.

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I'm currently auditioning to be the replacement friend of one of my neighbors down the street. Her best friend & neighbor is moving back to Idaho and she's considering me for the role of new friend. I've had two call-backs and it's really getting close, I think. Our first date resulted in us being in the same bar of a couple who walked the 10ft. to the outdoor patio to have monkey sex in front of all of us. The second was more subdued but we stayed out later and I think I really made her laugh. I hope she doesn't think I ramble too much and cite too many examples.

Out of the loop and then in...

We were so relieved that 3rd grade was going to pass us by without us knowing what - if anything - was going on. No notes home daily, no signs of anything to be worried about until... we went to Open House last night and were asked to schedule a Parent/Teacher conference because F has to be "redirected" a lot. (We were - of course - the only parents this was asked of...) It's grown really tiresome. But, it is what it is... We get to sit through another meeting with another teacher where we're told he's "bouncy, energetic, talkative, inattentive, doesn't understand consequences, can't sit still, bothers his classmates, talks out, acts without thinking, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. But he's really smart." I don't know how many more creative ways I can come up with to say, "Yeah. WE KNOW." Sigh... And frankly, I don't know how many more creative ways I can come up with to say to F, "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER."

So last night was spent dragging out the arsenal of checklist, rules, lectures, pleas for him to confide in us (Is there anything we can do to help you? Is there something you need? Tell us how we can help you!), and guilt (How do you think this makes US feel?). ADHD just isn't for sissies. I'd have never believed until I had a child with it how insipid and tireless it really is. I'd have been the parent going, "Why can't they control their child?!" What about if the child is really well-meaning but persistently disabled?! And what about the weird guilt from making him accountable when you're not sure he should be... why isn't he trying? Is he trying? Why are things getting worse as he gets older not better?

There really aren't words. It makes me want to hang my head and cry.

All the things left to do...

I was carrying in the giant dictionary book/contraption I was conned into buying in a mall parking lot yesterday. It's a picture dictionary (for kids, obviously) and out of nowhere it hit me, We still have to go through the whole learn-letters-learn-to-read-this-is-an-apple thing with baby i. When you have children so far apart in age (8 years!) you apparently not only forget what you've been through but what you yet to go through. I'm not saying I'm not up for it (and what choice do I have, really?) it's just that it's daunting.

A friend of mine brilliantly described one of her issues as hair Dismorphia. I'm afraid I have the opposite problem. I think my hair looks okay and then I see a picture and I think, Oh Christ... this is what I look like? So I proceed to get it cut into layers (I think this was a mistake of proportions to teach other mistakes a lesson), continue to go to someone who obviously drinks before she gets to work for color, and in general look like I have a mushroom on my head. It's twisted when you hope for a disorder that ultimately means things are better than you think!

On that subject... so I never told BP about my blog because a) he'd make fun of me b) I didn't want him to make fun of me and c) he'd relentlessly bring in bits of it into every conversation ("That's not what you said on your blog!" or "Oh, are you gonna go write about this in your blog?" or "Go ask your friends in your comments section of your blog to feel sorry for you..." etc). I'm not saying he's mean. He just goes out of his way to get his OWN laughs. So, he finds out I have a blog (Thanks, Kevin... :)) and I told him why I never told him about it ("I didn't want you to make fun of me.") and he agrees! I said, "I'll give you the URL but you won't even really read it anyway!" He agrees again. Conversation closed. So - ... the hell? He knows his wife has what amounts to a public diary and he passes on the chance to read it? I know he hates to read and all... but really?

Next week I have to go in for the new two days a month in the office I agreed upon. You'd think I'd be dreading it. Nope. I can't wait to have nowhere to go but a desk for eight hours. Nothing to do but sit. I'll work some, too, but mostly I'll be sitting facing forward quietly minding my own business and loving every single second of it.

Practicing Embedding Slideshows.

It's worth repeating...

F: (at the airport on bringing his sister along for the week-long trip away from home) "I'm glad i is coming for two reasons. One - she puts a smile on my face and two - we get to ride the elevator."

B: "In which order? Really?"

F: "Elevator first."
__________________________

F (randomly the night before his trip): "Wouldn't it be cool if i starts crawling while we're gone and right at the same time my fish dies?"

Circle of life, friends.
__________________________

BP & the kids hadn't been gone two hours yesterday and I dusted the shelves in the living room and cleaned out the coat closet. Sort of makes me long for the days when I'd watch out the window as my parents backed out of the driveway with a cigarette and lighter in one hand and with the other hand I was poised to dial any & all other delinquents to fire the proverbial starting pistol.

So... a coworker of BP's who sent us a phenomenal baby gift just had her own baby. BP asked me to handle sending her something and reminded me she's the one who sent us the phenomenal baby gift. So. I sent him an email w/ a picture of what I'd sent... He responds, "Very cute, thanks."

(pause)

Very cute? Okay. I don't expect him to get it. But - very cute? I spent 45 minutes looking for "THE" gift - spent more on some dumb baby than I've spent on myself here lately and even paid extra for a glossy Nordie's wrap and bow and VERY CUTE? His friends and colleagues are about to go the way of his dejected parents whom I no longer shop for because:

• a) they're always telling me I'm way too generous and when they say it it isn't in a "but thank God for you" way but a "and you'll be the ruin of my son" way.
• b) I got a lot of thank yous from BP for handling b-days, mom/dad's day, etc... which closely resembled the "very cute" shit I just got. and
• c) quite simply they don't enjoy giving or receiving and I'm all about both.

Very (motherfucking) cute INDEED.

Special shout-out this entry to my friend Kim who turned me on to the Paul Potts video from Britain's Got Talent. I don't have a clue what he's singing but when I see his dear face w/ the chipped crown break into something that's a mix between soulful (from the soul - not James Brown soul) and something a tad run-away I just want to weep. And who is that female judge and why aren't we best friends so she can tell me I'm "a little lump of coal set to turn to diamond" when I'm down... Aw, thanks Kim... love it.

And in brief.

The BBQ went well w/ exception of the fact that my crazy-ass neighbor who only got an invite so she wouldn't call the police was one of the first to arrive and the *LAST* to leave. Aside from grinding every conversation to a screeching halt, she also showed her hysterectomy scar to my poor friend Cassie.

Said neighbor refuses to walk her dog. Then she refuses to clean the dog shit off of her driveway. She is a pig.

First week of summer and BP is gone three of those days. I'm swimming upstream this week. I am physically exhausted & my brain is mush. Both kids were asleep by 6:30 last night. So, at least they don't just wear ME out. Thing is, it's not a break, really, when this happens b/c baby i makes me go up and down the stairs no less than 15 times to plug her and last night was one of those "can't get comfortable" nights when she tossed and turned and cried for no reason. I thought I'd never do it, but I finally let girlfriend cry herself to sleep. I'd done all I could do. She seemed quiet this morning and all I can think is that she doesn't trust me anymore and feels all alone in a despondent world. I know... I know... if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. But seriously. Something had to give.

I liken the finale of the Sopranos to something like a friendship that ends. I had a friend D. I was maid/matron of honor in both of her weddings... really good friends... I never thought it would end and we joked we'd be on one of our front porches with our stoages talking about lifetime movies we'd watched & our grandchildren. Well, last time I talked to her she was on her cellphone and and the last thing she said was, "I might lose you. I'm headed into a tunnel." And the phone went dead. That was almost two years ago. I don't know how the threads of her life have wound, where she is, if her mother is still alive, how her divorce turned out, whether or not she stopped doing coke, etc... I invested so much but I just don't have the luxury of her or knowing her next chapters. It's weird. But, it's life.

You know you're a dopey parent when...

Your baby wakes you up at 3:30 a.m. and when you can't go back to sleep you use that time to go through pictures and videos of your children. I just sat & watched roughly 45 minutes of video of the tykes even the snoozer class play (sorry 'tis true) I could barely stay awake for when I was there live.

Here's a pic of me and the babies from yesterday! Okay, I just love them.

Our big neighborhood BBQ is today. It sounded SO good in theory two months ago. Now that it's upon me, I don't know WHAT I was thinking inviting 60-some-odd people to our house. I can't even have family for dinner without freaking out and going overboard. To add to it... it's gonna be a long day since the starting shot was fired at 3:30 this morning as I mentioned. There's no turning back now, I suppose. I have to add a funny... Yesterday one of my neighbors called and left a message, "I wanted to know if there's something I could bring tonight. Let me know and otherwise, we'll see you tonight." Now this is our Mormon friend (relative only b/c of what I'm about to tell you) who has FIVE children. So had she not called to ask what to bring and I didn't have the opportunity to tell her that it was in fact not last night, we would have had seven of the Smiths on our doorstep last night! Not a bad thing, per se, but as I told you I can't even handle having family over without ta-doo. (<- Is that how you spell it?) I had to check and re-check our invitation we sent out because I had a moment of, "Holy crud. What if it IS tonight!?"

Anyways... this brings me to another funny... Apparently said neighbor with five children once told BP he looked exactly like someone. ("Brad Pitt?" he asked.) No, someone in Rascal Flatts. BP gave away that after she told him that he went and looked up pictures of the band (Band?? I thought Rascal Flatts was a person!) Of course then I had to look it up, too. Yeah, sort of. Is it because he's a country singer that looks Jewish? Upon further investigation (read: typing in "Rascal Flatts Jewish" in Google) it appears he may be! At least she didn't compare him physically with Matisyahu (Check out his version of "Message in a Bottle" by the way).

My mind is really wandering this morning because somehow I've made the connection from the Rascal Flatts (geez, is it RascaLL Flats? Rascal Flats? Rasscal Flat? I'm tired of looking them back up!) to another funny when my friend Al pulled up to a drive-thru of a drugstore and asked for, "Diet Coke and a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights, please" to which the pharmacist said, "Um... ma'am... you need to come inside for that. This is the pharmacy drive-thru." Shout-out to my friend, Al. Maybe YOU will understand how I made this connection. (And P.S. - When are you gonna update your BLOG!?)

Oh Gosh - one more Al funny. Al & I used to call everyone "clown" when they'd do something, oh, clownish. Once we were driving and someone ripped out in front of us. We both shouted above squealing brakes, "YOU STUPID CLOWN!!!" We get right to the driver's side of the offending car and 'lo and behold... it was a CLOWN driving... or a person in a clown costume!

Cheers to silly Al and thanks for sending me this for the BBQ today:

♪ BBQ, bless my spirits, I swear it never fails, and the sauce mama makes just stays there forever if you ever get it under your nails.
So get the frown off your face we’re gonna replace it with a mess and a dream come true
Get a pretty girl dancing to jug band music and a mess of Mama’s BBQ.♫
-From Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas

You rock Roanoke & The New River Valley! You're such a major player in those warm, funny memories from wayyyy back when.

In closing... I'll have you know the Atlanta PD *STILL* haven't contacted us regarding our "case." When you hear I've headed to Atlanta just know I've finally decided a life of crime is in front of me. Look, I know we have more pressing things for our law enforcement to worry over, but a simple call to even tell us THAT is in order if you ask me.

She doesn't sleep for shit, but she sure is ca-YUTE...