Thinking about books and stuff.

Last night I finished a book that I struggled to read - mainly because I'm too tired to read. But also because I didn't immediately get into it. Books that don't get me right out of the gate rarely stand a chance... this was one of those that took so long to ramp up but once it did... POW. As it happens, the author has another book, We need to talk about Kevin, which transfixed me. Her writing is so haunting, fluid & gorgeous. The book is The Post-Birthday World and my initial problem with it was this: it starts out as one of those "Groundhog Day" type books where the action happens the same way twice but told slightly differently. Well, ultimately it breaks from this and is about how a choice or non-choice impacts this woman's marriage. It's a tough one, but worth it. It made me think.

Going through some of BP's things with him to find pictures or mementos of Matt, whose funeral is tomorrow, we found a lot of my old letters to him. Geez, was I a windbag through our early relationship! (Not now, of course... tra, la, la...) As we were reading them, he remarked how I was always writing letters of apology to him and yes, for the most part, I was begging forgiveness, explaining myself, and asking for his patience. It's humbling to look back on us and see in print how much I put him through, how much he went through just 'cause he loved me. I'm grateful for his tenacity and so much more. He was meant for me - no one else could or would love me in this way.

.. Baby i went off meds altogether & seemed to be struggling again. She's back on them and seems to be struggling again. I wish her GI appt wasn't in July. I don't think we'll make it until then. I know there's more to her than this crankiness and sleepiness and moodiness. When she has those moments of feeling "right" she's so delicious and sweet and serene I can't even stand it. I hate this for her... I won't stop until she's figured out. (Now that's slightly funny - when do we ever figure another person out? Okay, so I'll rephrase... I won't stop until she seems okay.)

I'll be glad when April is in the rear-view mirror.