I wish that I could...

• complain without feeling ungrateful. Sometimes you just want to have a good old-fashioned rotten fit. Why follow that up with guilt?
• quit complaining. (As you can see I'm in a quandary!)
• just relax! RELAX. RELAX. RELAX.
• enjoy my children instead of moving from task-to-task and feeling like a day laborer. I think the last time someone stopped by my house unannounced it was my mother. She wouldn't notice if I was on fire, let alone if I had dust bunnies in the corners of my rooms. And what is it I'm trying so hard to clean away? -- Hmm... I'm not ready for that trip to the psychiatrist couch.
• stop being so mean to BP. Isn't he eventually going to throw up his hands and say, "That's it. I'm finding someone nice." I shouldn't see if he has a breaking point.
• quit worrying that there's more to what someone says to me than what's on the surface. Not everyone has an agenda. Do they? Do I?
• get dressed in the morning and instead of thinking, "Why is this so bulgy or that so crinkly?" and just think, "Okay." I'm not expecting miracles... I'll never be entirely pleased. But things could be worse!
• quit seeing the negative. Yes - she did this; he did that; I'm tired; it's not fair; I always have to ____. But who gives a rip, really? I'm here & I'm healthy.
• let myself feel the change in my life since baby i. Yes, she is a blessing. But it's okay at 3 in the morning to think, "GO BACK TO SLEEP before I claw my own eyes out." (Isn't it?) I don't have to well up with tears and feel like a schmuck for just. wanting. some. rest.
• let go. There are people in my life who have been trying to exit gracefully (or at least their version of gracefully). Being tenacious for the right reasons is a good thing. Being tenacious for the wrong reasons is sadistic.
• stop making F. wait. Baby i. can cry. And she does anyway. So, pay some attention to my tow-head. I saw sadness in his eyes the last time I snapped at him. Perhaps I should cut that out, too.
• take help when it's offered. Ask for it when it's not.
• stop using my free time trying to achieve the insurmountable - don't barter away my moments for nothing.
• remember how to read... take in words because I love them... they lift me up. The shape of them on the page, their music...
• forgive... sans apologies. Surely someone has done the same for me or I wouldn't have what I do and be loved the way I'm loved. If I'm always the victim, then I'm pretty helpless at best.
• lighten the EF up. (See all of the above)

Lucky Girl

I was holding baby I as she was falling asleep for her nap this morning and what kept running through my mind as I was looking at her is, "She's so lucky..." She gets to do anything... everything... it all lies ahead of her. I realized my outlook on life has evolved (and that - sadly - I'm old). I envy her for having so much in front of her... even the stuff I thought I wouldn't wish on anyone (heart ache, etc). Lucky girl. I hope it's an amazing journey for her. Girls seem so complicated. I want to do it right for her so that while on the journey she has just what she needs.

Mima Supreme

The in-laws and Mima (BP's Grandmother) stopped for an overnight on the way to visit Susie and they brought along this jewel of a story... Apparently for the past couple of months, Mima has been trying to win Publisher's Clearing House. The story began with how she didn't really take it seriously but she figured her kids could really use 10 million dollars. Even though they told her she didn't have to buy anything to win, she felt it bettered her chances to buy something. She spent $70-some on various items from their catalog (one of which was a Kaleidoscope for F). She talked about how if she won she planned to give her grandkids a million each and $500k to the temple (to which we all balked that temple didn't deserve 50% of what she felt her grandkids were worth but she explained she really wants the temple to have central air conditioning throughout). Anyway, the letters from Publisher's Clearing House really picked up the pace even telling her where they were going to order flowers from locally and what hotel they'd stay in the night before - the local references upped the ante and she got very excited). Well, they gave her a script of what they'd prefer her to say when they came to the door, "I just won Publisher's Clearing House! It really can happen! Dreams do come true!" Now... Mima explained she normally gets her hair done on Wednesday, but Publisher's Clearing House would be coming on Wednesday and she thinks her hair looks better the 2nd day after having it done. So, the week she was supposed to win she went a couple days early for her hair and because she was worried she'd forget her lines, she taped the script from Publisher's Clearing House by the front door. Well, sadly she didn't win (or there'd be one happy Rabbi in upstate New York) but she's taking it in stride. Instead of a lesson in how that demographic gets exploited by these kinds of hoaxes, I'll take it as a lesson in hopefulness.

Whoa... Keds.

Seriously when did Keds get so cute?

The only problem I see is that people are going to resist buying thinking, "Can I really pay $40+ for KEDS?" If I were their PR people I'd face that kind of image buster HEAD ON. And simply using Mischa Barton in your commercials is not enough.

It feels do-able

Yesterday was one of those "do-able" days. I found myself thinking, "I can do this." Why is that noteworthy? Because more often than not I find myself thinking, "What was I thinking? I can't do this." This being work, 2 children, traveling husband, recent influx of company, "budget constraints" and crazy boss. Yesterday was a point for the home team. Some highlights of the day were:

• picking Baby I. up to be told, "This was one of her best days yet!" Bonus: Missing a bowel movement during said best day yet. (BMs are a bit - heartbreaking - for my little puss bless her heart! We're talking two-hour angst-filled production.)
• I read... actual CHAPTERS of a book.
• I cruised a couple of online stores and put things in a basket/cart and didn't buy. Virtual window shopping. Now THERE is a thought. (Confession: there was that one Octopus outfit that I couldn't say no to... but I had a coupon about to expire so technically I HAD to.)
• I had the perfect opportunity to be insubordinate to my boss and I surprised us both by acting submissive and agreeable. (More bonus points because now my boss is going to have to devote some time this week to new ways to undermine and rattle me! Mwahhhh-ahhh-ahhhh!)
• I did the 4 o'clock feeding last night! Now if only I could stop talking to BP before and after those feedings I'd REALLY be useful.
• I had a clean house, a clean dog, clean kids, and a moderately clean husband.
• I got a baby announcement in the mail yesterday and within five hours I went online and ordered a baby gift. (This was not during the virtual window shopping so it does not count.) Check! No perpetual "Get Baby Gift" at the top of this girl's to-do list! Not only that, but the gift was super cute.

It's a good thing I started today with a slight reserve of optimism since I've been up since 3:45, had three cups of coffee, and feel a bit wilted already.