We'll call it "The-only-thing-standing-between-me-and-the-Barefoot-Contessa." If she ends up working out for me, we'll call her 'Tessa for short. If not, that bitch is going right back to Amazon.
I'm trying to stop speaking in analogies/metaphors/I need to brush up on my English. Man it's really getting out of control. I can't have the most basic exchange without one popping up. Example: (See - I'm sort of doing it again)...
Someone: Hi.
Me: Oh, hi.
Someone: Did you see that bird?
Me: I did see that bird. The way it swooped by me I thought I was about to be flattened by a big truck.
Someone: ((blank stare))
Me: What? Didn't you think it was loud? Why are you looking at me with your eyes so vacant like an apartment left empty in the middle of the night?
But I'm not as bad as my friend G. I'm considering an intervention. She has this awful habit of saying, "You know what I mean?" and I mean she USES IT A LOT. (Yes, of course I'm going to give an example!!! Heck, I'll even use the scenario from above!)
G: Hi.
Me: Oh, hi.
G: That was a bird. Do you know what I mean?
Me: I know! I saw it. It came out of nowhere like the time that fraudulent credit card bill arrived in my mailbox.
G: That was totally weird when that happened to you. You know what I mean?
Me: Er... yes.
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I'm currently auditioning to be the replacement friend of one of my neighbors down the street. Her best friend & neighbor is moving back to Idaho and she's considering me for the role of new friend. I've had two call-backs and it's really getting close, I think. Our first date resulted in us being in the same bar of a couple who walked the 10ft. to the outdoor patio to have monkey sex in front of all of us. The second was more subdued but we stayed out later and I think I really made her laugh. I hope she doesn't think I ramble too much and cite too many examples.
5 comments:
You might not want to let her know about your blog then. You might not get the BFF job if she knows that she might be fodder (example, example, example)!
The following is a re-enactment. While actors have been hired, the acutal events are real (no animals were harmed in this scenerio).
T - This mixer really mixes things fast, you know what I mean?
B - yes, I know exactly what you mean.
T - In case you don't know what I mean, it mixes like a card shuffler on overdrive.
B - Yes, I knew what you meant.
T - Seriously, it is really cool.
B - Good.
T - No, I mean it is as cool as James Dean.
B - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, know what I mean?
Well, if you don't get offered the BFF job, I will take you on. Anyone who talks in analogies is divine.
Know what I mean?
Oh dahling, I really hope you get the job. Does she know what you got for a gift? Will that help your chances?
All I have to say is if your new BFF hook up doesn't accept your bid well..she doesn't knwo what she's missing!
PS-I 'seen' where B-Po thinks he's slick logging in as anonymous..;)
PSS-I also 'seen' that gift and all I can say is...bitch...
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